By Chris Gambill

The “elephant in the room” is a metaphor used to describe an issue that we know is real, but no one wants to talk about. For those of us in congregations, the more helpful metaphor and question may be, “Is there an elephant in the sanctuary?”

It appears to me that there’s recently been an elephant invasion. I have encountered several lately in my work with congregations. Perhaps one of the following elephants is in your sanctuary.

• “We are in conflict, but everyone’s afraid to admit it.”
• “Attendance at worship and programs is steadily declining.”
• “It feels like we are just drifting no sense of direction or purpose.”
• “Our buildings have become our biggest burden but we don’t want to give them up.”
• “Our leadership structures don’t work anymore but we’re afraid to change them for fear of upsetting someone.”
• “Almost everyone here is over 50 and we may not have a long-term future.”
• “Money is tighter with every passing year but we don’t want to make hard choices about how we spend it.”
• “We want to be faithful and missional but there aren’t enough volunteers.”
• “We want to be faithful as a congregation but don’t want to make changes that would be uncomfortable.”
• “We need to have an honest conversation about our situation but are afraid we can’t talk without fighting.”

An unwelcome guest

These are the common elephants, but a somewhat different may one inhabit your sanctuary. Regardless of which elephant you have, it’s an unwelcome guest.

The first step in getting rid of it is to honestly admit as a congregation that you have been allowing one to live in your sanctuary. This seemingly simple step can be surprisingly difficult to take. Most congregations are loath to turn a critical eye towards themselves. It’s one thing to recognize the elephant in someone else’s sanctuary but quite a challenge to recognize the one in yours. In general, we had rather play the role of the prophet Nathan (“Thou art the man!”) than David, the recipient of the prophet’s hard words.

There is a common myth in congregations that keeps elephants alive and well. That myth is that talking about a difficult subject will make it worse. In my experience, talking about a difficult issue doesn’t make it worse. It just makes people feel worse when they begin the conversation. If you really want to evict the elephant in your sanctuary, the most effective strategy is to name it and begin a constructive conversation about solving the problem.

Constructive conversations about elephants

The critical word in my last sentence is “constructive.” A constructive conversation begins by naming the problem—not by placing blame on a scapegoat for allegedly causing it or not fixing it. Blaming and scapegoating is an unfortunate but common tendency when congregations finally get tired of living with their elephant. This approach does nothing to solve the problem and can easily polarize a congregation around the “blamed” and the “blamers.” Problem solving can only occur by focusing on the problem and seeking to create solutions under the leadership of the Spirit.

Constructive conversations about elephants need a thoughtful structure if they are to be productive. Unfortunately, this also seems to run counter to the first impulse of many congregations. A common first strategy is to have a “town hall meeting.” More times than not, such meetings end up in a shouting match that reinforces the myth that talking about a difficult thing makes it worse. Simply inviting a large group of people into a room to talk usually means you will hear from the extraverts who enjoy talking, the people who are the angriest or most upset, and those who want desperately for everyone to get along and the problem to go away.

Tackling an elephant takes leadership

Tackling a real elephant—an emotionally charged or complex issue for which there is no easy solution—requires structure that encourages those who are not usually inclined to speak out to have a voice in the conversation. Often, these may be the people you most need to hear from.

Finally, congregations need mature leaders who can keep an elephant conversation “in bounds.” Leaders need the capacity to stand up in a tension-filled room and not succumb to panic or reactive behavior when the conversation gets uncomfortable. They also need genuine faith—both in themselves and in God—to be able to say to the group, “I believe through the gift of God’s Spirit we can work together to solve our problem.” Leaders also need the ability to remain calm, objective and aware of what’s happening in the group itself. In some cases, an elephant is so big and scary that a congregation needs an objective outsider (such as a consultant/facilitator) to help them have a constructive conversation.

Regardless however, the elephant won’t leave until the congregation can begin the conversation about how to evict it. The good news is that no matter how long you have had one in your sanctuary, it’s never too late to start the eviction process. A sanctuary should be an elephant-free zone.

Chris Gambill is director of the Center for Congregational Health, in the FaithHealth division of Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center. The Center strengthens congregations through consulting, leadership coaching and intentional interim ministry.